Letting go with love

As I share my story, I hope readers can see just how much I loved my dad. What I would give to be back in any one of a million moments when he made me laugh with his silly faces, funny jokes or Southern sayings. What I would give to see his beautiful blue eyes look at me once again with such deep love and pride or to hear him playing Charlie Pride on the record player while grilling up burgers. Those moments seem more special now that they are gone. My dad was unique, he was charming and he could deliver a line of BS better than anyone, lol. So many years of hurt, frustration, trauma, anger and sadness often made looking back on the good times impossible. However, now my heart feels the need to look back and grasp onto those precious moments. Getting to this point in my life and in my struggle with my dad has been the absolute hardest thing I’ve done and it comes at a price. You see, the only way I could truly heal was to finally let go. Where I was once consumed by thoughts of my dad daily, I eventually found myself going days and even weeks without thinking of him. And yet, when I did think of him, I wondered how I could pretend he was no longer in my life when he was a living being who must have wondered why I didn’t call or visit. Was I that cold hearted? No, I finally learned that for self preservation, for my own mental health and happiness, the heartbreaking decision to let him go was my only option. It was more than a two year process to get to there, a place where I didn’t have to worry about him, a place where I didn’t fear a call from him or a call from someone else bearing bad news as to his current state. I could breathe, I could rest easy knowing he had the care he needed.

On a trip home last summer, I had to drive by his facility on the way to boating at the lake. As I briefly acknowledged the place, it also struck me in that moment that I had driven by at least two times previously and it NEVER crossed my mind that I was passing by his home and was just feet away from him. I actually celebrated that thought. That I had been able to be in such close proximity and I had finally set myself free to the degree that I could drive by without falling into tears. Making the hard decisions to let go of the ones we love in order to allow ourselves to live in peace and happiness. Acknowledging that we cannot change them, nothing we do will fix them. BUT, we CAN fix ourselves we CAN heal ourselves. When we learn that someone else’s addiction is hurting and disrupting our lives to an unhealthy degree, we must make the hard decisions to take care of ourselves and those we can protect. My entire life, I have worn my heart and my emotions on my sleeve. My heart allows me to love deeply and care for others easily. These sound like good qualities right? However, those who are designed like me know these qualities also leave us open to feeling pain and heartache more deeply. Letting go of those who bring us pain can be extremely difficult for us no matter how much we are hurting. When you love someone, it has been my experience, you will ALWAYS love them. The way that you love them may change, but you will forever hold them in your heart, want only the best for them and care about their well-being. So when is enough, enough? When do you finally reach your breaking point and recognize that their issues are affecting your emotional and physical well-being so negatively that, in order to take care of yourself, you must walk away? How long does it take to realize and accept the things you cannot change? You cannot turn back time, you cannot undo or unsay what they have done and said. You can't wish away all the bad moments. But walking away isn't so easy. How and when did I decide to walk away? Though my dad adored me for the first half of my life, once the disease got its grip deep enough into him, he changed, he became selfish. For many years he had not known much about my personal or professional life. In fact, I'm not sure if he knew that I am married and had moved out of my hometown. Did this making walking away easier? As I worked to navigate the many challenges and emotions of being an adult child of an alcoholic, I had not only become acutely aware of emotional responses as well as physiological responses to the stressors linked to dealing with my father. As a result, I have spent a lot of time reading and researching what are the possible "issues" that one might experience. Before doing any reading, due to many factors in my life, it occurred to me one day that I was experiencing what I would consider PTSD in relation to my father's alcoholism as it was showing up in other situations around me. I immediately began researching to see if what I was feeling was in fact, PTSD. There were MANY resources that confirmed this for me, but this one from ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) was short, to the point and gave me the validation I needed.

“PTSD may be the most common disorder that befalls adult children of trauma.”

• “Most ACA members have some form of PTSD, which is often expressed in our hyper vigilance of our surroundings or our acute monitoring of comments or actions of others. This behavior is a carry-over from growing up on guard much of the time.”

• “Many adult children constantly survey their homes or relationships, looking for situations that could lead to shame or some other public act of criticism. In addition to fearing shame and abandonment, our hyper-vigilance is intensified by what many therapists call Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. PTSD is most often associated with combat veterans or survivors of a traumatic event such as a car wreck or a catastrophic event. However, adult children suffer from PTSD as well. A PTSD event or events produce such a high state of threat or danger that experts believe it changes the body chemistry. Long after the threat has passed, the PTSD sufferer remains on “alert” to ward off future events that could re-trigger the fear of the previous fearful event.”

• “Physical and emotional abuse can both produce post-traumatic stress disorder or stored fear. They create the same wound whether hitting is present or not.”

• Many adult children have PTSD and are able to recover in ACA. https://adultchildren.org/resources/ptsd/
  

If you are struggling with a loved one's addiction, if your happiness and well-being are beginning to suffer, if you need support, I encourage you to get help. This battle should not be fought alone. YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!!!